今晚特别想你.......
你想我吗?

你可以不要那么快乐吗
没有我可以不要那么快乐吗

很多人说旧情人当不成朋友
是恨吗？
不甘心？
没话聊了？
想逃避？
要忘掉？
还是还爱着？

其实和你做朋友很像不错
跟以前也差不多
还是出来吃饭什么什么
一样斗嘴
一样讲废话
一样开心
只是很像少了些什么
是我太贪心吗
Tsk tsk tsk

可是

其实
太像朋友
满..

不要可不可以.............
:(

一起通宵熬夜追连戏剧时

他累了会说"baby我很想睡觉＂
你累了会不耐烦的说＂我累了＂

我会跟他说＂哦晚安＂
因为我一个人看没关系
我跟你说的是＂不要啦配我看＂
因为很想你陪我看
很想你能一起看到我看的东西
一起感动一起说烂还是怎样

他会说＂不要啦等下我追不上我们要一起看啦＂
你会说＂我真的很累很累很累很累很累很累＂

他会说＂你陪我睡觉啦... 过来＂
你会说＂你自己看啦＂还是 ＂改天啦我要睡了＂

语气都好不一样..
你真的很木头

只是看着戏时想到
想到你 :)

Remember I said

You don't just stop loving somebody
You just do or it's because you've never loved him/her.

I keep questioning myself now.
Time isn't going to bring us closer. It's gonna rip whatever that's left of us apart.
The flame inside me is so weak right now.
But I really don't want it to die off.

Sometimes I don't but most of the times I want you to be mine again so I can look at you n tell you how much I love you and how I wouldn't trade you for anything else. I want to show off to everyone that I'm the happiest girl just cos I have u.
I want to tell u we'll live happily forever n never fight again before falling asleep next to u.
I want to hug u really tightly and tell u I never ever want to let u go again.
I want to wake up in the morning and give u a kiss on ur sleepy face n cuddle the whole morning away
I want to text u everyday just telling u how much I love u
I want to talk to u about my day n hear u talk about urs and we'd bitch together about whoever got in our way
I want to be jealous n hate every girl u talk to n act all okay with it

I want u back.
Maybe because I can never get my heart back.

What's on your mind?
I miss you too.

It's thanksgiving today

I don't know where to start
Thank you for everything u've done that made me smile. For all things that I didn't appreciate.

Thank you for being a part of my life
And a part of me.

"You send this at 5am lol"

Because I think of u at the weirdest time, all the fucking time.

Who are u thinking of?

Chance，
To be with u.

其实很想和你一起过圣诞节
可是没有也没关系
只是不想你没有我过得更开心

好嫉妒你幸福

其实没那么痛了
只是有时候想到你
在路上走着说过我们不会分开
在车上握着我的手说过不会放手
在床上抱着我睡觉前说过你永远都不会离开
在散步回家说过不会有不爱我的一天
心都会痛
很痛

是你天真说了这些
还是我天真相信了
是你忘记了
还是我太固执还记着

在我把你认识的那个我越抹越黑，自我毁灭之前
你回来好不好?

我好努力填满所有空虚
好努力不去想
好努力不在所有人身上找你的影子
坏的对的好的错的

可是都没有用
我好累
你回来好不好?

Scent

I'm using a different perfume now
U know how they say smell is the sense most associated with ur memory?

Wearing bvlgari omnia reminded me too much of Japan
Of how we tried the same perfume everywhere to confirm its the one before buying
N reminded me way too much of how we went seperate ways the first day I used it.
So vivid.
Everything around me that point of time flashes back in my mind.
The smell brings me back to u every single time.

N it hurts.

你终于想我了..

:)

Lately I've been having so many flashbacks

I missed how we'd do almost everything together, supermarketing, choosing sausages(haha wtf), deciding on which caviar for my egg n bacon cup thingy for breakfast, driving in the car, u being super annoying n singing a different song, the little spot in genting where we kissed, u hugging me to sleep, forehead kisses, trying to match our clothes, when u can't decide what u wanna eat n I'll order one of ur option, how I wanna hug u in ur sleep so badly but I didn't have the courage in Penang, when u kissed me for the first time again when we got back together, when I told u I passed my interview over the phone first but u just gave me a "ok...", how I always wanted to let u meet all my friends n let them meet u but u didn't seem like u were ever interested, how I always wanted to go on dates with u but we always end up "hanging out" with everyone else, how we'd lie in bed n talk about ex boyfriends n ex crushes, when we hold hands to sleep, how I can never understand why can't u watch a bedtime movie with me just like my ex boyfriends, when I'm in ur sweater we're just cuddling, when we keep saying how much we missed each other over texts, when i wake up early with u, when we became normal n started having phone calls, breakfasts in bed by u will always be my favorite, when u go to bed late with me, I miss shopping for u, when u shampoo my hair for me, when I'm so tired I just want a tight long hug n u'll be there, when we hanged out for the first time n combed the whole of town in a day, sentosa :), when I hated u for leaving me the first time, ur empty promises n the promises u kept, when u walked out from me without thinking whenever u had other options, when people tell us how good we look together, when I lost my way n always try to find it back to u, when u lose ur way n decide that u might as well leave me, when u started calling me bi because I forced u to, u trying to remember my favorite bubble tea from different places, ur face when u're really happy, ur face when I didn't allow u to buy ur corona, ur face.. Just ur face. I'm trying so hard to not forget how u look like when u're standing in front of me.
It's been so long.
My memory doesn't feel real anymore.

There're so many good n bad things that happened to us. N I missed every single one of them.

I wished u knew how I'm feeling all these while.

I don't think I'll have the courage to show u this anytime soon.

Love u Bi..

It's so cold in Moscow
Like 0-7 degrees

Surprisingly getting by quite well
The cold doesn't get to me anymore
Maybe I was never that bad with the cold
Maybe I just depended on u too much
Maybe ur warmth feels so much better that it makes my body lose its immunity
Maybe I just want u closer

It's not a maybe I think
I do want u closer.

My biggest regret
Is not being able to make it up to u anymore

Making it up to u out of love
Not guilt

每次都会想
下一页的我
会是什么
都没想出什么结论
我很像什么都不想要了
以前什么梦想
什么愿望都有你
现在没你都没意义了
其实
我好像一直都停留在我们走不一样路的时后
你走好远了吧
我都不想动
你有想回来吗？

我都很努力开心
很空虚
可是有开心到啦

有时候玩到很疯时会去想
You'll never enjoy this if u were here
我们过的生活很不一样
你说过的不是吗
一直都在说
可是你知道吗
I never had a kind of "world" I wanted to be in. All I wanted was just to be with u.
Easier said.

你还记得吗
以前你把陪写成配
后来你说
你可以配我
也可以陪我
那只是华文烂然后用来下台的吗哈

没想到失去的勇气我还留着
好想再问一遍
你会等待还是离开

刮风这天我试过握着你手
但偏偏雨渐渐大到我看你不见
还要多久我才能在你身边
等到放晴的那天也许我会比较好一点

从前从前有个人爱你很久
但偏偏风渐渐把距离吹得好远

好不容易又能再多爱一天
但故事的最后你好像还是说了
拜拜

I never really understood the meaning of this song until today, it's suddenly fits like puzzle pieces.

It takes so much emotions and feelings to get from lovers to friends.

I guess I don't think about it that much now? It's just how a part of me always feels like we could have been something else
Feels like it's just.. Wasted.

I feel guilty moving on. Putting all the love you gave me behind.
But hey, it's GAVE.
Past tense.

How confusing..

现在我们的距离真的好远
至少有机会多爱一天

Goodnight,
baby.

“We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that’s why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I’ll never forget a single moment of it.”

 —  Nicholas Sparks

"Someday, we'll run into each other again, I know it.
Maybe I'll be older and smarter and just plain better.
If that happens, that's when I'll deserve you.
But now, at this moment, you can't hook your boat to mine, because I'm liable to sink us both."

I have the same thoughts. This brought me back to last April. I met you the second time and I guess everything was the same. We just.. Sank. We held on longer this time, made a few more memories and we drowned in more pain.

I guess as time went by we got further away from each other. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think there's anything I can do now.

I was at a club last night and the live band played 爱在记忆中找你
A part of me was happy we happened.
The rest of me.. Broken

"so how did you guys break up?"
I'm now too lazy to explain. I hate having to face the fact again and again.

Maybe we'll be together again one day. I'll cherish you. At that time, we would have really came a long way.
Maybe I'll move on and find my way back into love.
But you'll always be a part of me.
Maybe you'll come back and fight for me like you did.
This time, I would say yes.
Maybe we will be like 2 parallel lines from now.
But pictures of us will forever be etched in my head.
It doesn't really matter what become of us anymore.

I love you baby,
forever and always.

Now I'm sane enough to let go of u and of us.

Earlier than I thought
I gave myself till the end of October to prepare for the worst
It's either the end or a happily ever after.

I'm ready now.
But I don't want an answer, yet.
Maybe a part of me is still holding on, hoping u'd change ur mind.
U used to be so predictable.
Did u change?
Did my confidence leave?
Or is my denial in the way?
Maybe I already know what's on your mind

I can't tell anymore.

I asked u to think of the good times we had.
But behind every happy picture.. There will be something unhappy.
Maybe those flooded ur mind.
Have we been wearing masks for too long?
But who could deny the very moment those smiles were captured.
We were happy, weren't we?
U were happy, weren't u?
I was.

Isn't it tiring to weigh pros and cons.
Did I make it so easy for u to see all things bad?

I met Audrey one night.
She asked how're u. How're we?
"Good :)"
Oh my psychotic level of denial n make believes. Lol
A million scenes gushed in that very second.
I still managed to smile.

Another part of me died.
AGAIN.

I told her in the end..
"we broke up.."
I think my heart weighed a million tons that moment.
"but I'm trying to get him back :D"
Oh my face was so hopeful. But i was in so much denial my heart didn't care if I was lying anymore.
I knew..
Somehow..
I can't.

＂我不在的话，你会怎样？＂
＂不知道.. 应该会哭死吧＂
＂你一个人睡觉时，会想到没人吵你抱她睡觉..
你看到你房间的门- 每次都要你起来锁
看到你房间的窗- 每次她都会吵我买窗帘..＂

我开始掉泪了

＂看到卓上的蜡烛- 跟她一起买的
看到床上的花椰菜- 不用说了..＂

声音开始抖了..
停了一下..

＂看到天花板上的灯- 她一直说丑，要你换
看到地板- 她头发都会掉满地＂

又停了一下..

＂看到床头- 每次摇到都很吵.. 哈哈＂

＂衣柜上摆着的东西- 她好不要脸，越带越多东西来
看到电视- 想到我们一起吃东西时看电视
看到软木版- 我们的照片，圣诞卡＂

泪越掉越多..

＂我送你全部的杯......＂

说不下去了..
抱你好紧
我在哭什么？
无聊
假设性的东西也想的得那么真

＂我不在了你会很想我吗？＂
你说＂废话＂

抱更紧了
我想一辈子都留在你身边
想了泪又来了

可是抱着你哭..
好幸福

＂真的吗？＂
你又说＂废话当然啦＂

现在想回..
是我猜错了吧..
你当时是什么心情回复的
你现在忘了吗?

还是人用远都要等到真的不在了
才来后悔

我在现在哭什么啊？
因为你没哭吗？

＂我不在的话，你会怎样？＂
＂不知道。应该会哭死吧............＂

I remember

We both snuggled in bed
Ready to fall asleep
"baby hug me"
"but so uncomfortable i cannot sleep!"
You did anyway
Everything felt so right
I thought to myself
"I think this is it"
The boy I love so much
Falling asleep next to me
Arms finally around me(after so many nights of telling him to hug me to sleep)
It's finally the weekends
After 5 nights of saying how much we missed each other
Another week of non stop drilling at training
My mind is tired
My body is tired
My emotions are on a roller coaster ride
Doesn't matter
We're right here
Falling asleep together
It's finally quiet
Finally peaceful
Then I thought
"what if one day.. What if he gets tired one day.."
No you wouldn't..
"but what if.."
I turned around
Hugged you tighter
To feel your existence
To remember?
So if you were to leave one day I could close my eyes to remember?
"no he wouldn't leave"
"but what if.."
I started to cry
Everything was overwhelming again
"baby don't leave me?"
Emotions up n running..
You said "why r u crying?"
I don't know..
Why am I crying..?
But it got worse
I whispered
"baby I love u"
I hugged u tighter
U kissed me
On my forehead..
"I love u too"
And wiped my tears

Now..
Why am I crying..?
I don't know..
Maybe I do..

I love you.
But I don't hear your voice anymore..
Maybe this is why.

They asked if it was worth it fighting for someone who doesn't give u any more attention

Honestly..
I don't know.

Reasons to go on are wearing thin. But I guess I still have my make believes to hold on to.

I don't know anymore..

U know what would make everything perfect?
You.

I tell everyone about us.
I talk as though time stood still.
About all things happy.
I was so happy talking about everything.
Everything about us.
And it felt so real..
Like nothing changed at all.
They were envious.
Of how we loved each other.
But when my stories ended..
My heart sank. Cringed.
My smile turned weak
I don't know if I'm lying to them..
Am I? Everything did happen..

I just can't bring myself to say the ending.
To say what became of us
To say we're..
Say we're over
We're not... Right?

You're the only thing on my mind all the time.
The more I think about you, the more I hate myself.

Please don't forget me..

好多话你都好像不想听我说了

我还是一样
去到哪里都很想你在我旁边
看我看到的一切
你会比我兴奋多了

这里很美
真的很美
可是我宁愿看着你
就什么都不做
看着你

我不想这样

今天你连说爱我都说不出
发现你好像真的不爱我了....
怎么可以那么快!!!! @@

你说没办法让自己回到我身边
不可以再多后悔
可是真的好怪自己没好好留在你身边
开始很害怕
我们不会真的没希望了吧...

5分钟

那么小的要求都被你拒绝
真的有那么不想跟我说话吗？

为什么....

其实发现自己错过你后
对你好时已经不会觉得自己笨

只是有时被你推开时
心真的有点痛

Today it suddenly hit me that letting you go was one of the worst mistakes I have made in my life.

Another one was not loving you more. 

One more for being so self absorbed. 

Maybe one more for always asking for more. 

I have been fighting the urge to call, text or contact you in anyway for about 20 days now. 

I missed u so much.

That explains the times I gave in and texted you. Quite a few times actually.. :/

For a good 300 over days, you've been a part of my life, a part of me, a part of everything.

Everything I do. Everywhere I go.

We've been there. Done that.

I just wanna turn back time..

I want us to be happy. Happy together again. 

Xiao yi called me from London today. She asked how am I. How are you. How are we.

I told her we're happy. 很幸福.

Then a part of me died. 

I miss you.

I just can't get you out of my head

Today and maybe every other day:

I woke up at 9am
(He told me he love the feeling of waking up early. I miss waking up to his sleepy face)

Checked my phone
(No good morning biiii)

I sat up and played with Gucci.
(This would be the time he down a bottle of water in 2 seconds)

I got up to wash up.
(The spongebob toothbrush.. He never liked this)

The weather was good.
(He'd love the weather)

Too lazy for any breakfast.
(But he said breakfast was the most important meal of the day)

Watched Tv.
(We'd sit in front of the tv and have breakfast in bed at this time)

Sat in front of the piano.
(Why can't I remember the songs I learnt so hard for him)

iPad.
(We used to call it paddy)

YouTube.
(Every song made me think of you)

Removing my nail polish.
(He used to do it for me)

Mirror.
(A photo of us)

Board.
(A photo of us)

Checked phone
(None of the notifications had ur name)

Constant reminder to self for the rest of the day: Find something to be happy about. Find something to keep u off my mind.

Reminisce by accident.
(You. You. You. You.)

Leaving the house
(Does he think of me whenever he sees the panda?)

Waiting for my friend at the carpark
(Why was I so impatient with him then?)

Everything I do. You're always in my head.

你曾经是我的每一天

今天..
我们说分手的第28天
从你爱我那最后一晚的第10天

我们在一起后的第300多天
今天..
又是没有你的一天..

其实没有你的每一天

也只是没有意思的多一天..

I miss being with you
I miss knowing u'll always be there when I needed u
I miss how u'll always listen to whatever I have to say, whatever that comes to my mind
I miss how I thought u will always be able to tolerate my nonsense because u loved me
I miss feeling assured whenever u hug me to sleep
I miss giving u kisses as n when I like
I miss how u'll smile n tell me u love me too
I miss telling u I love u
I miss fighting with u
I miss how u'll always let me win
I miss feeling how much I mean to u whenever u give me hugs n kisses
I miss the old u
I miss us
I miss holding ur hands while u drive

I miss telling u off whenever u sing a different song at the same time

I miss everything we were.

Do u?